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I've known for a while now that I've needed new tires, but I put it off and put it off until today, when I actually had a flat tire and was barely able to control the vehicle. I was fine, and got the spare installed, but of course that really threw a damper on my plans for the day, which included the following:
Send out graduation invitations (it's in less than a month!)
Prepare for my poster session
Study for economics
Get my comics for the week
and so forth.
Instead, I was stuck driving slowly on surface streets all over Las Vegas and spending the little money I have left on something I wasn't planning for. And of course I had to go to work today. And get off after 10, and then drive home on surface streets again. And getting the cold shoulder from my family and faced with little to no support, I've decided to post in this neglected journal about my sorry state (admittedly of my own making).
Thanks, LJ! |
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Stasis
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Nov. 10th, 2009 @ 11:28 pm
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I feel like I'm in stasis. I don't feel like I'm ever accomplishing anything, and my life has become a Sisyphean melodrama. I've all but lost interest in everything except the mediocre and mundane things, like food or a funny TV show, but the big questions about life and what I want to do with myself and how to make a better person out of me have all but fall out the back of my head. I'm just not motivated to do anything, and feel like I can't even succeed if I were to attempt them. This isn't to say that I sit around at home all day weeping to myself; in fact, I am doing just about everything that I used to do, except that it's just mechanical repetition. Life goes on, but I'm gone, you know?
I don't have many friends anymore, and I think it's because I don't talk to them because I don't have anything to share anymore. My life is a big disappointment, and I don't want to have to burden them with that. My head hurts, so I'm going to go to bed. |
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I've had the opportunity in my young life to be in contact with many diverse people. And I think amongst the most peculiar are the ones that have no desires. Or perhaps I should say Desire. I'm not sure yet.
It's just a little odd to me to notice this, and it's not like these people have anything in common other than that outlook on life. What am I talking about here? Turn on any radio, and listen to the lyrics of some of the songs on it. These songs are about wanting something, needing something, missing something. Is it Love? Or Freedom? Or something else? And isn't this a sentiment that we all share? Isn't there something deep within you when you wake up in the morning or stay up late at night alone and thinking? What do you long for?
I think it's simply a part of the human condition to be singularly incomplete. We long for someone to care for us, we long for a family, we long to have a more beautiful face, or a better body, or more money. But it always seems to be a cheat, as even if we get these desires, we are not full.
This is evidenced by one set of desireless people I know. These are the ones that have always had everything they've ever wanted or needed, and now they move through life seemingly purposeless and alone, and numb the pain with endless diversions. (This is probably the set of people I'd belong to, if I ever lost my Desire, incidentally). This group doesn't disagree with the idea of human incompleteness, but they chase it in a rather childish way: Forget about it day-to-day, followed by strings of planned impulsiveness and pleasure, both as a way to deal with it. Keep busy with work, and have very expensive vacations, in hopes that either the vacation or the work will lead finally to fulfillment. One such friend worked day and night at his job, and eventually amassed a pretty good nest-egg, owning three houses, etc. Unfortunately, he died alone in his home far too young, and I suspect, remained rather unfulfilled.
Another set are the philosophically desireless. These people are usually academics, or people who are not trained academics, but like to read things like Epicurus, Taoism (as I understand it), perhaps Buddhism as well, and other texts and philosophies like that (not to say there's something necessarily wrong with those ways of thought). Epicureanism, for example, is just a completely alien way of thinking for me. For the uninitiated, Epicurus was not the cult of food and sensuality, but rather a practical man whose motto was threefold:
1) Pain is easy to bear - Pain and discomfort are temporary at best, and nothing that cannot be borne
2) Needs are easy to satisfy - All a man needs is food and shelter, and these are not difficult to find
3) Death is nothing to fear - As long as we exist, death does not exist, and when we die, we do not exist, so why fear death?
Happiness, in other words, is basically having food and drink, and living as painlessly as possible. Having enough.
But it seems to me that we're not satisfied with enough. There's always something more we want, something else we lack, and the adherents of this view have tried to quell the desires, and say that they are not necessary and not something we should want. In a way, this is a form for optimism: In this world, our ideal can be achieved. Unfortunately, for many, the world is ideal only because the ideal is too much like the world.
The third example of the desireless is the resigned desireless. This one is, perhaps, the most tragic of them, and the most practical. Life has been too disappointing, they say, and all their desires have been for naught. Let us resign ourselves, then, to the acceptance of things as they are. In this endless night, why hope for the day? The seed is planted, but why hope that it will grow? They are not denying the imperfection and incompleteness of man, and they are not saying that they don't have higher aspirations. Rather, they see themselves as realists. We can't have world peace, let's just try to have cobelligerency and stalemates. In many ways this is the most adult of the desireless. But yet again, I don't know, it doesn't strike a chord with me. If we are so ready to give up on ideals, I feel that we will not have a way to go anymore. And it strikes me as being completely against our first instincts. Mightn't one not ask to have one's cake and eat it too? (Yes, yes, I know where this phrase came from and the history of its corruption. But I feel the modern version is the one most attuned to our natural desires).
I'm not sure where I'm going with this, really, considering that I'm not about to give an answer as to the rightness or wrongness of this way of thinking or that, but simply stating that I can't understand people like this, and I don't believe most people do, either. Most people I know are unblushing desirous folks who want all-of-the-above. So while it may be misguided, I tend to want it all. I want a life with meaning, and freedom, and love, and believe honestly (most of the time) that it is achievable. And being incomplete, I can write a song like "The Great Escape", and be happy, and at the same time long to be happier. Are we human? Or are we dancer? Can't we be both?
And we see this in all the arts. Music demands to take us out of ourselves. Good novels and films do the same. We want the happy ending. We want everything to be worth it, after all, even if the stakes were high and the damage extensive. And I think this is what I truly do believe in. I believe in Truth, and Desire, and Longing, and Freedom, and Self-Actualization. I believe in Story, and our lives are a story, one long interlocking story, and like a good story, I believe this story has a happy ending. |
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| » Tablet Woes |
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Oh, poor abused readers of this, who are starved without the updates on my life :/ Sorry.
Lots of drama, lots of stress, lots of changes, and lots of thoughts in my head, but today I'd like to talk about something rather prosaic.
For the last 2 and a half years, I've taken my notes for all my classes almost 99% exclusively on a Tablet PC. This is wonderful for me, as I work in mathematics and physics, with several symbols and diagrams that are simply impossible to type. It's also got a large enough hard-drive, a powerful processor, Wi-Fi and bluetooth, and is still under warranty, so I get 24/7 tech support, free replacements and repairs, and all that good stuff.
I have a Gateway 285-E, wonderful machine. It's served me well, but now, in the way of things, it's starting to get on, and I'm starting to entertain thoughts of newer and better things. But what? The Tablet PC market is tanking, as no one seems to have a use for them, and I simply will not be able to go to back to using a crippled notebook that you can't even write on, like going back to riding a bike when you've used a car forever.
Anyone out there with experience in Tablets? It will be my primary (only) computer, so it needs to have a keyboard and touchpad, powerful enough processor, be able to play most games, CD/DVD burner, Bluetooth, and battery life of about 6 hours. 80 gig HD is fine, idc about the RAM, no Vista, please, and Microsoft OneNote are also necessities.
Am I alone out here in the Tablet market?
Oct. 8th, 2008 @ 12:13 am
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| » A broken heart feels like |
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a tightening of your chest. You don't cry right away, you just lose the ability to walk, your muscles only half listen to you. You lose all appetite, even if you're very hungry. You get angry, you think of every possible way you were wronged. You wonder if you should go. You wonder if being single would be better. You think it would be great if something bad happened to him. But not really. You really still wish the best. You give the cold shoulder, you wait for it to come out of his mouth, but you know it won't. You try to forget, you try to pace, you try to do every other thing that needs doing. You start to realize there's no more colors in the world. You start to think nothing will change, you lose hope. "Meanwhile, where is God? ... But go to Him when your need is desperate, when all other help is vain, and what do you find? A door slammed in your face, and a sound of bolting and double bolting on the inside. After that, silence." And then you cry.
Except it wasn't you, it was me. And I'm still crying.
Jul. 7th, 2008 @ 10:45 pm
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| » Pennsylvania and the Dem Race? |
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I kind of wanted to talk a little about it, but I kind of don't feel like it.
It's easier to just post this link which pretty much sums up my thoughts for right now.
http://news.yahoo.com/s/huffpost/097847;_ylt=AomCWM4Xe2PBUSB3dHY7CLNh24cA
Apr. 23rd, 2008 @ 12:07 am
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| » (No Subject) |
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"To fall in love is to create a religion that has a fallible god."
~ (some dude I don't remember).
Apr. 5th, 2008 @ 12:37 am
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| » Smash Bros. Brawl Review |
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I've played hours and hours and hours and hours of Smash Bros. Brawl. This was the greatest and most anticipated game for me for a very very long time, and I every night I'd make the pilgrimage to the Smash Bros. website to check what the new update was. So in other words, this was a big deal.
As far as how it's been, I've thoroughly enjoyed it very much. It's a little frustrating to have to figure out how to play as everyone again, and I'm back down to that skill level where when I want to play well, I have to use specific characters again. The past few years of Melee I tended to randomize everything, including character, and I tended to be one of, if not, the best player of the round, but now I can barely stay alive with people like Snake and Captain Olimar. I kind of feel like I've devolved into the world of people who have are "character mainers" (i. e. "I main Peach".) But hopefully with enough randomization I'll be able to get competitive with everyone again.
( The Review. Possible Spoilers, but I doubt anyone cares )
All in all, Smash Bros is excellent, and I lovelovelove it!
Friend code: 1805 1855 2953
Mar. 18th, 2008 @ 01:22 am
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| » A little bit of politics |
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Let me preface this by saying that I am by no means incredibly politically active. I vote, naturally, and my knowledge of the deep inner workings of the political system are nominal at best. However, I would consider myself of above average intelligence, and I do put thought into my political decisions.
I support Hillary Clinton for president in 2008. I think that, looking at the demographics that she tends to gain her support from, however, and even more so when comparing it to the demographics that support Barack Obama, that I might perhaps be in the minority. For example, Hillary's supporters tend to be older, and tend to have blue-collar jobs, many are women, many made the decision to vote for her (at least in Ohio and Texas) did so in the three days before the vote was cast, and so forth. None of these things describe me at all. Barack Obama's supporters, on the other hand, tended to be young voters, tended to be well-educated, made decisions before hand, and things like that, all of which I would consider myself to be part of.
I don't know why I'm so out of the loop here, but I do have many well-thought-out and reasonable (I think) ideas about why I think Hillary would make the better president, and would in fact make the country and the democrats stronger. A cursory search around the blogosphere shows that when bloggers supported Hillary Clinton, they tended to do so with many logical reasonings similar to the ones I hold, talking about her history, what she's worked towards, her detailed stances and plans for many relevant issues, and so on. The supports of Barack Obama tend to do one of maybe three or four things: tell lofty stories about something or other in their past that "resonates" with Barack's story; make some sort of statement about how important being able to speak is, as a president, regardless of policy; or that they don't like the system now or they don't like Hillary Clinton, and want to do something different, or in other words, vote for the non-Hillary or whatever, and not for Obama because of himself. This is not criticism as such, it is simply a statement of how I've seen things so far.
So I'm honestly asking any Obama supporters, please give me reasons to support Obama. I confess that I do not know much about him, and my fear is that few people know much about him, either. I do not want a president voted into office who is simply an empty vessel or blank page for people to project whatever they want into him, and think that that is really him. I don't want to hear about your past; I want to hear about our future. I don't want to hear about how important a good speech or personality is, because I know that already, and I have a good idea of about how far that can go (unless you can make a really, really good case that I haven't heard before). And finally, and most importantly, I do *not* want to hear about how you vote for him even if you don't know anything about him because you don't want to vote for "the establishment". Negative policies such as that don't do anyone any good, and sort of has the scent of laziness about it. Better the devil you know than the devil you don't.
Seriously, anyone at all, please tell me who he is, and why I should vote for him.
PS. I have an extreme dislike for everything I've seen and heard about Michelle Obama. If you want to defend her, too, that'd be great, as well. Thanks.
Mar. 16th, 2008 @ 12:32 am
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| » An Assessment |
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Well, as you all are clearly aware, I haven't posted in a long while. Frankly, there really wasn't too much for me that was all that different. In a line, I was just very very busy.
( Grading Rubric (i.e. Long Post) )
AG's life
School: B-
Work: B+
Family: A-
Relationship: B+
Overall: B+
Mar. 6th, 2008 @ 08:37 pm
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| » (No Subject) |
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"Love is hard to believe, ask any lover.
Life is hard to believe, ask any scientist.
God is hard to believe, ask any believer."
Dec. 22nd, 2007 @ 12:11 am
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| » (No Subject) |
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I think I've discovered why I try to stay so busy. It's because by being busy I can avoid figuring out who I am and who I'd like to be.
Dec. 2nd, 2007 @ 11:46 pm
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| » (No Subject) |
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"Everyone feels benevolent when nothing happens to be annoying him at the moment." ~ PP
Oct. 16th, 2007 @ 08:25 am
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| » Lucky Day Earnings |
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For the first, and the last time, today, on 7/7/07, on the Wolf's Run Slots at a casino on Las Vegas Blvd, I doubled my initial pot gambling, at approximately 7:49 pm :3
Yay <3
I thought it was fitting that the only time I'd gamble at the casinos was today :3
Jul. 8th, 2007 @ 12:06 am
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| » The Cause and Cure for Hiccups |
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I believe that I have definitively found the answer for the age-old and as yet unanswered question of the hiccups. The cause of hiccups, I believe, is fairly well-known. It usually starts when a person has some liquid in his mouth, and when about to swallow it, it is inadvertently directed to the trachea, which is designed for air, and not for liquids, as opposed to its correct passageway, the esophagus.
After this event is the uncomfortable, embarrasing, and sometimes pain condition known as the hiccups. Common cures for the hiccups have included holding your breath, and drinking water. In my past experience, neither has worked definitively and consistently, although there are no doubt supports of both. I think that like all folk-cures, there is some truth to it. Notice the first cure, involving holding your breath. This action asserts that mental control over the airway could alleviate the painful process of involuntary hiccups. Second, consider the drinking of water: This exercise puts forth the idea that willful control of the passage of substances to the esophagus is the way to end the hiccups.
Now, having known these folk cures since boyhood, I can tell you from experience that neither has worked, at least separately. You'll notice that it's now almost 3 am, and I am still awake, and I tell you that this is because I have had the hiccups for the last hour, at least. Holding my breath didn't work. Drinking water didn't work. Then I had the brilliant idea.
I went downstairs and filled up my glass full of water. Then I proceeded to drink it, never stopping the slow tilt upward of the glass. At the same time, I kept taking breaths, while holding the water in my mouth. Therefore, I had mental control of both air into the trachea and water going into the esophagus, and then my mind wandered to another things. As I finished the glass of water, I noticed, as I had hoped, that my hiccups were gone.
As with all scientific hypothesis, this has to be tested constantly for consistency, so do give it a shot next time you all have the hiccups; I don't yet have the money for clinical trials.
Jun. 29th, 2007 @ 02:40 am
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| » (No Subject) |
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People are fucking stupid.
http://www.msnbc.msn.com/id/18134671/
Apr. 16th, 2007 @ 02:05 pm
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| » A Prayer |
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I wish I could boil this down to a single line.
It's very hard to pray sometimes. You're caught between asking for world peace and the removal of all pain and suffering, or asking that the red light turns green before you get there. You're asking, sometimes, for things that you know won't happen, or things that wouldn't be good if they happened. You find yourself praying for the well-being of the one person you hate most in the world, and sometimes forgetting to pray for the one that you love most. And 80% of the prayers are about you. Maybe more.
You wonder if they'll be answered. Even the Bible has two different interpretations of prayer, that are irreconcilable. One, pray with the fervent believe that such will occur, and it will. "Whatever you ask in my name will be granted,"; "Faith as small as a mustard seed can move mountains." And yet, sometimes your prayer, no matter how fervent, will not be answered. Notice: "Father, let this cup pass from me." And it didn't. Jesus' request was not granted. Jesus' request was not granted.
How, then, am I to pray? Just whatever comes out when I'm kneeling there? Is it okay to pray what you don't mean, in the hopes that you will mean it? "I pray for the well-being of that one boy I hate." I don't know if I really mean that.
So here goes, I'll give it a shot.
Father, I love you. Even if I don't seem like I mean it, I want to mean it. I pray that people's needs will be met, that hatred will cease, that people will stop fighting. I pray that people will have better days, that they'll have a little more food than they have, a little more time than they thought, a little more love than they knew about. I pray an insomniac, somewhere, will get a good night's rest tonight, and that someone gets that promotion they deserve. I pray the single mother finds a $20 bill in the street, and that the person who dropped it did so for exactly such a purpose. For just one moment, God, I pray for people to stop hating one another, and stop thinking about themselves for just one second. I pray that one person out there suffers just the right amount to turn his life around. I pray that someone's terminal illness lets them die in peace. I pray that a baby born this very moment will have a wonderful 16th birthday party. I pray my love loves me. I pray for the well-being of that one boy I hate. I pray that I'm a better person tomorrow than I am today. I'm sorry for fucking up all the stuff I fucked up today. Thanks for loving me anyway.
I hope this is acceptable.
Apr. 10th, 2007 @ 11:46 am
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| » (No Subject) |
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I want him to drop dead. I just want him... to drop dead.
It's the most terrible thing I've ever wished for.
Mar. 31st, 2007 @ 12:56 am
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